One of those...

I couldn't sleep at all last night. Oh sure, I got to sleep right away at 11 PM, as usual, but it wasn't long, oh, I guess 1:30 AM and I was up and at 'em. No I didn't go milk the cows, although it would have been a nice distraction, but I might as well have been working because I was wide awake.

For me it usually begins with a trip to the little boys room, then back in bed, flip, flop, wait a minute, flip, flop and repeat until I sense my wife has had enough. Then I pop out of bed, grab my pillow, PJ's for warmth and head for the couch. All pretty standard stuff when I can't sleep, but it's not what is going on outside that is important it's what is in my mind that is problematic.

You see, I suffer from a rare condition called MIddle of the Night Irrational Fear Disorder. No, I don't fear monsters anymore, that is so 1999, but rather losing control of my business through stupid decision making. Maybe that is a monster of a kind. After all, monsters are really just personifications of our deepest fears. So, yeah, that is my monster du jour. At least du jour du jour.

Early this morning I was in the squirrel cage of regret over money that had been spent needlessly but that I still had to pay. Because when you sign contracts that what it means, like it or not, needless or not, you agreed to pay them regardless. So there I am, darkness all around, both inside and outside but my eyes are staring wide into the abyss as if light were everywhere. And when I get this way I always want to quit. Not sure why and I am not sure why it is so strong in the middle of the night, but that is usually my reaction.

The monster roars, I cower, then occasionally I try a feeble meow back at the beast, hoping to fool him that I am stronger than I really think I am. Of course, the beast doesn't even notice my little attempt because he is too busy roaring.

I do pray, sometimes. I try reciting a verse from the Psalms, a standard coping thing for me. No workie. I toss and turn, with greater effort to be sure on my couch, but with no less conviction.

Then, finally, I fall asleep just in time to be awoken by my early rising spouse who bids me back to the bedroom so she can get on with the day, or least the day the clock says it has become . My feet dutifully will my body back into the chamber that once held deep slumber. I crawl in, chilled by the sheets against my sleepy body, but this time the sandman carries the day, uh, night. My lights go out. And for a few moments I rest.

Later that morning, I read an article about my recent new friend, German Amezcua, who has just lost his 9 year old son in a devastating car accident. The monster that seemed so real just a few hours before flees from my presence at the thought of this real life tragedy and I am reminded ...

"In this life you will have many tribulations," Jesus said, "but fear not for I have overcome the world."

I wonder, is it true? After a long internal pause, some inner, hmmm, voice, or something assures me it is. I lean my head back on the chair, close my eyes, now fully awake in every sense, I say a prayer for the Amezcua family. Rest, not sleep has finally arrived.