Sleepless...

Last night was horrible. Toss, turn, cough, wheeze, blow my nose ... you know the drill, when you have a cold sleep comes only in snatches. Yes, snatches.

At one point I found myself at rest and, somehow, conscious of how restful it was to be resting while miserable. I know, it sounds silly to say, but, like all of life, when you fight hard for ANYTHING, getting it is, well, something to be savored. Yeah, that's it. In my business, perhaps all businesses right now, there seems is a feeling that the economy is failing and no one is buying, nothing is working. Every sale is hard fought, every deal made is made with extra caution, or should be, every prayer uttered is spoken with greater urgency.

Which brings me to - desire. Not the prurient kind of desire, but the aching, longing really, to do something good, important, productive. I saw an interview tonight with the king of "American Idol," Simon Cowell. It disturbed me greatly. Not because he was simply ok with taking part in humiliating some contestants, but mostly because being rich and successful justified the circus. I will admit, I have enjoyed watching "Idol." I really like Carrie Underwood and others discovered while part of the show, but I have a desire to live differently. I want to be successful, too, who doesn't, but I won't do it at anyone's expense ... at least intentionally.

So desire makes the difference, I hear. Does it? We can't see success until much later, hindsight, maybe, after lots of things have happened. I think we also define success differently as we move through life. Simon Cowell has his success, but his version would leave me empty, wanting, desiring more, which is kind of how I have always lived. I'm weird that way, oh well.

Does anyone else feel that way? Is it true that helping people leads to success? I hope so, because that is ALL i want to do. If it doesn't lead somehow to success in this life, well, I guess I'll find it in the next.

Now that's something to be longed for.